Happy Earth Day...HAPPY Earth Worms!

We woke up as usual today.  A little late from pushing "snooze" too much, and rushing a bit.  It had rained last night so I expected the usual handful of worm carcasses - here and there - on the long sidewalk as we hurried to the car.  Much to my surprise though, we were greeted by this view outside our door: 

There were many more as we walked.  It was crazy!  They were a lot more long, plump, and "fresh" in the morning, than when I took this picture in the afternoon.  Im sure it was funny from afar, to watch the girls and I trying not to step on any of them!

Look a little closer....

Yep...the Earth Worms had a party last night.  Invited ALL their slimey friends.  It appears it was a rockin' party too.  I suppose they call it "EARTH DAY EVE" in the Underground. 

I couldn't help but laugh as it appeared they were all laying there, hung over. 

Life is Crashing into my Tower One...

(This picture is so beautiful to me. It's as if the baby might be looking and listening to

"instructions" from God before coming to Earth.)

 

With my six-month-old baby in my arms, I remember the exact moment my cousin Jenny called me, early on Sept. 11th, 2001.  We watched together -shocked- as news of an airplane crashing into Tower 1 of the World Trade Center was being reported.  We watched -horrified- as another plane flew straight into Tower 2.  Our country was under a "Terrorist Attack".  I was breast feeding Berkeley on the couch, almost disbelieving, as people were dying because of a man's drastic display of their belief in God.  My sweet baby didn't understand how defining that moment was in our lives, she would only grow up to read about it.  But, I still found comfort in talking to her about how she should always treat others with kindness, even if they believed differently than her.  I sang to her about patriotism, pride for self and country, appreciation for freedom, and more.  Sounds silly, but I did.  Somehow, talking to Berkeley comforted me, as I ached for those who died because of someone elses imposed beliefs.  I sat on the porch with her, and lit a candle, on the day our country would mourn together for a moment.  She'll remember nothing from all of this effort on my part....but I hoped that I would.   I hoped that I could help her grow up to not act in "terroristic" ways towards those different from herself.

FLASH FORWARD a few years:
When Berkeley was around 3 1/2  or 4, she was obsessed with "Buddah" statues in the stores.  Whenever we would see one, she wanted to look at it, touch it, and take it home.  Did she just like the happy, chubby, man with his bellybutton showing? Or was this the budding of her own religious inclinations?  I never did get her a statue, maybe I should have.  At Halloween that year, she decided that she actually wanted to dress up as "Buddah."  I remember trying to explain to her that people who believe in Buddah, treat his image special....just like we hold "Jesus" special in our lives.  I tried to tell her that they don't make Buddah costumes and that it might offend some people if we made one.  She didn't understand.  Berkeley still insisted that we find or make her a Buddah costume.  I didn't do that either.  

FLASH FORWARD several more years:
I was looking through some notes of mine recently, and came across something Berkeley (7 at the time) said to me one day after church. I was driving home and she was in the back seat explaining that her primary teacher had told her class a story of a man, who would rather die than deny God.

She followed it up with: "I'm not sure about that one."
I asked, inquisitively: "Why not?"
To which she replied: "Because I don't want to die!"

It made me giggle. You can't blame her!  She had reached - for herself - the first of many moments-to-come in life, where she would question why someone would do something drastic in defense of God. I explained to her, the best I could, why the man would have rather died, than deny the God that he believed in. But I'm not sure she could get passed that whole "you're still gonna have to die" part-of-the-story.

FLASH FORWARD to now...
Berkeley is growing up.  She will be nine soon, and I have another daughter, McKenna, who is five.  The world is slowly revealing itself to them, a day at a time.  Berkeley doesn't remember Sept. 11th or her "Buddah" phase.  But both my daughters have an entirely DIFFERENT childhood than I did.  They can research answers to their life questions via not just libraries, tv, and teachers.....but also through the World Wide Web.  As a parent...I know my job is to help them process the many different things they hear/read.  I will do the very best I can.  However, I don't think that I ever realized that at age 35, I could be unsure about where I stood religiously.  It's been about nine months since I last spoke of my "religious woes" via blogging...but I wanted to talk about it again. 

You see, questioning everything you've ever stood for is scary enough on an individual basis.  It's turned my world upside down. I often find myself drained and exhausted from trying to "figure it all out". I have lived for three decades as a devout Mormon. What do I do as I question all that I have ever believed, without confusing my children?  What if I choose to leave the LDS Church...and then decide later to come back? What if I leave and never come back?  With Berkeley and McKenna's Father and Step-Mother coming from a "Mormon"-based belief system, how do I vere from that -respectfully- and not create a "two-sided" world for the girls?  This is the source of much "inner terroristic turmoil" for me. 

I grew up in a home where my mother was very spiritual, but not religious.  My distant father grew up LDS and then converted to Born Again Christianism when I was 11.  He spent years on a "terroristic" mission of his own, trying to "save" all us "sinners".  My brother began in the LDS Church, converted to Born-Again Christianism, and now lies in between being agnostic and an atheist.  Thus, I began at a very young age, having to decide for myself where I stood.  Believing differently and forming my own opinions is no new territory for me.  But it was no easy road.  

My heart tells me that the simple answer for my girls is this:

Teach them what you know for sure...raise them to be good humans...show them how to reach into their own souls for what feels right...support them in any way you can....and then let them form their own beliefs as they grow. 

As wisdom-filled as that sounds...it's not uncomplicated.  I just pray that GOD will help me.  I pray that I can make Him proud of the way I handle things.  God has entrusted these two, precious spirits to my care.  I want Berkeley and McKenna to believe in angels, miracles, and to know that they are not alone.  I want them to lead happy, fullfilling lives, while respectfully allowing others to live and believe as they wish.  I have to understand though, that they could choose to lie on the side of "there is no God" or on "Team Buddah".  So, while they are making up their minds, I must practice what I preach.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

( I love this pic bec of her face, obv not bec of my hair!)

McKenna:  (Reaching over and kissing me on the cheek...)
"Can I have a Slurpee, now?" .

Me: "Oh, you want a slurpee, huh?"

McKenna:  "Yes!"

Me: (I kiss McKenna on the nose) "Nope!".

McKenna: "Hey!"

Me: "What?  You only give kisses now, when you want something??"

McKenna:  "Yes."

Good Morning, Sunshine!

We had to get up a little earlier today, because it is snowing and we are going to have to give ourselves an extra 10-15 minutes of travel time.  Berkeley, my eight-year-old, hates waking up.  She's a lot like her mother.  It usually takes me about a half-an-hour of begging to get her to rise and exit the top bunk. 

Anyhow...this morning wasn't a good morning for us.  She was dishing out the attitude from the moment she first spoke.  It all came to a -head- when we had an argument over "why she hates headbands" vs. "please stop going to school with hair that makes you look homeless." 

She won't keep the hair bows or the barretts in at school.  She hates to have braids and ponytails unless she's "in the mood" for them, which is next-to-never.  So she has this tangled, messy, long hair. Grrr....  All I ask is that SOMETIMES she actually put a headband in when the hair isn't looking it's greatest!  It's one of those "small things" that I let "get to me" sometimes. 

Anyhow...the point is...that she didn't start off the day in the best mood.  We were arguing all the way to the freaking car and partly on the drive to school.  Finally...we both just fell silent and began letting the radio make the noise.

(Here's a picture of us...and the mood we woke up in....)

It's snowing still, but lightly.  Roads are wet and the windshield wipers are trying to ward off the 'gunk' that the high speeds of the freeway spews onto our windshield.  It's cold.  But we're almost there.

I am silently chastising myself for not handling our argument better, while wondering if all eight-year-old girls are this fiesty and independent.  I hate starting off mornings badly.  I just want her to start her day off happy.  I just want to start my day off happy!

Right in the middle of my mental turmoil though, I hear her mutter something outloud, that was so funny, it just made me re-vamp my attitude for the whole day.  She was staring out the window at the cold, the snow, and the muck and just muttered...

"Damn Groundhog."

I love that kid.

What's in a Name?

Berkeley is doing this super cute project in her third grade class.  They have to go through magazines, cut out adults, kids, pets, etc.  Then they assemble the pictures into families, glue them on paper, and write a story about that family that they've created. 

We were in the car talking about this assignment the other day, when Berkeley was trying to name her family.  She said "I'll just say 'The 'Smith' Family."  I protested.  No, Berk, there are so MANY "Smith" families out there.  Let's try to be creative."  I started giving suggestions...some serious, some silly...

"The 'Gabriella' Family?" She liked the High School Musical parallell, so I kept going...
"The 'Sharpay' Family?"  She and McKenna giggled.  
"The 'Montana's'?"  They loved that.  Hannah Montana -rocks it- at our house.

McKenna chimed in:
"The 'Shannon' Family?!" - She suggested, in honor of Aunt Shannon. She continued...
"The 'Popcorn' Family?!"  "The 'Slurpee' Family?!" "The 'Cheddar' Family?!" "The 'Beef' Family?!"

Berk shared her ideas:
"The 'Rainbow' Family?! Her and McKenna giggled.
"The 'Coke' Family?!" "The 'Dr. Pepper' Family?!" "The 'Make-Up' Family?!" "The 'Bolton' Family?!" (Another HSM parallell) "The 'Earring' Family!?"

I told them some of the "different" or "memorable" last names of friend's that I've had:
 
In Junior High, I SWORE I would marry Jared "Walkenhorst"...just because I wanted to be "Mrs. Walkenhorst."  In High School, I had a friend with the last name "Belcher".  Ironically, she had the best manners out of all of us.  And, most recently, one of my best friend's is currently "Mrs. Gum."  Which, I love more than words can say. 

Anyhow.....we were having lots of fun suggesting ideas to one another.  I loved hearing the MANY things they thought of.  When, all of the sudden, McKenna shouts out from the back seat:

"I KNOW!!!  How about "The 'NIPPLE' Family ?!!!?!!!" 

Berkeley and I are laughing so hard we almost wet ourselves. 
Clearly it's time to end the "brainstorming" session.
And, while  I hope, that Mr. and Mrs. Nipple live happily ever after...
I pray daily that their children "Chapped", "Pierced", and "Enlarged"
make it through school without incident.

Belated...Yep...

Well, Hello There!  It seems I've taken an unintentional vacation from blogging.  I am determined to catch up and continue forward.  So let's get to it....

Christmas comes and goes more quickly each year.  What is that all about?  Didn't it seem to go in slow-motion when you were a kid?  I feel like my kids are missing out on authentic Christmas traditions, experiences, and moments. I tried hard to simplify this year. I tried to not get caught up in any big projects, any over-scheduling, any over-spending.  It STILL passed quickly.  But...Im still glad that I did simplify. 

We kept our tradition of building gingerbread houses at Grandma Ladybugs.  This year though, we thought we would try doing a "mini-village".  It was a cute idea at the time, but I think we decided in the end that most of them just looked like fancy outhouses.  Here's a few pics of our 3-4 inch creations:

(NOTE TO SELF:  Make less sprinkles available next year...)

I played the Christmas music and made the Christmas treats.  Before we knew it....Christmas morning had arrived.  Now....because of the girls ongoing, questionable "behavior issues" in dealing with each other this past year, my girls  found the following note from Santa near their presents:

DEAR BERKELEY AND MCKENNA,

MERRY CHRISTMAS! I HOPE THAT YOU TWO HAVE A GREAT MORNING WITH YOUR DAD AND NOW WITH YOUR MOM. I LEFT A 1/2 LOAD OF PRESENTS AT EACH HOUSE, SO YOU COULD OPEN PRESENTS WITH THEM BOTH.  I HOPE YOU LIKE WHAT THE ELVES, MRS.CLAUS, AND I PICKED FOR YOU THIS YEAR.

YOU'LL NOTICE THAT I DIDN'T PUT TAGS ON THE GIFTS AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE.  THAT IS BECAUSE I ONLY BOUGHT GIFTS THIS YEAR THAT YOU TWO CAN SHARE.  YOU ARE BOTH VERY GOOD-HEARTED GIRLS, BUT YOU BICKER AND FIGHT TOO MUCH.  THESE GIFTS YOU NEED TO SHARE AND ENJOY TOGETHER...BECAUSE IT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER. 

LET THESE GIFTS BRING YOU CLOSER, MAKE YOU BETTER FRIENDS, AND LAUGH AND PLAY TOGETHER.

**REMEMBER:  HAVING A SISTER IS A GIFT MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY TOYS, BOOKS, OR CLOTHES.

BE GOOD FOR YOUR MOTHER GIRLS.  STAY IN BED AT NIGHT AND HELP EACH OTHER BE GOOD.  THAT WAY I CAN BRING YOU MORE PRESENTS NEXT YEAR TOO.

IM OFF TO DELIVER MORE PRESENTS NOW. 

HO! HO! HO!

SANTA LOVES YOU.

SC

So, included in their gifts to share were one "Twist N' Ride" bike, 2 DVDs, 2 CD's, 2 of the same Barbie, and some Nail Polish.   Here were some pictures from their "loot reveal":

I love how both their mouths are open on this one!

Happy to get a "Taylor Swift" CD!

Berkeley added a Daddy and a Baby to her "Fur-Real" Bamboo Family.

And McKenna got a "Fur-Real" Cat and New Giraffe.

One of my favorite moments of Christmas Morning was when McKenna opened her present from Berkeley.  They both got excited and told each other what their gifts were two days prior.  But when Kenna saw it she just reached over and hugged Berkeley. It was so genuine and so sweet. 

Anyhow, it never ceases to amaze me that Christmas morning starts out all nice and orderly like this:

And ends up like this:

But it's a true sign of "JOY"...right?

There were so many blessings this Christmas.  I worried about providing enough for the girls, but there were angels surrounding me and helping me to make the "season bright".  I cannot speak of the PEACE that filled my heart as these blessings appeared at just the right moments too.  It fills my soul with gratitude and happiness.  I cannot wait and I hope that -one day-

I am able to give back more than we have been blessed with.

OH! OH! OH!

And a little shout-out to Santa...

The girls are getting along better all ready!  I think your magic is working...if even a little...IT'S PROGRESS!

Priceless...

I awoke to this cute sight one glorious, Saturday-morning in September.  The girls were dressed and ready to go.  Their excitement was off-the-charts!  So, you might be asking yourself...

What special occasion or event could possibly be

SO IMPORTANT....

...that matching dresses had to be put on?

...that we had to sport our lime-green hats AND fuscia, glitter, lip-gloss?

...that we had to look our very, very sleekest?

...that we had to be crowned AND doting dirty, white socks??

You DON'T know?

Grandma Ladybug's Yard Sale, of course.

FALLow Me....

Around the end of September, I realized that my days to drive up the Canyon for a 'color rich' tour of Fall, were quickly diminishing.  So, spontaneously one evening, I decided we were going to drive up Emmigration and squeeze in a little nature moment.  It was WELL worth the time. 

 I happened to have my camera with me.  It wasn't really cold at all.  It was windy.  McKenna had had one of "those moments" earlier that day, where she insisted on wearing an outfit that looks questionable to the rest of society.  She was in the shortest shorts she owned, and was only allowed to wear them with the agreement that they would be put in the "summer clothing bin" after that day.  But, what do mismatched, questionable outfits almost always bring on?  

Kodak moments. 

What does a mother do?  Skip the pictures?  I almost did.  But, I think you'll agree...it was smart to just relax and let the memories happen. 

 

Showing me their leaves they were taking home. 

When they're not worst enemies, they're best friends. 

I love the "best friend" moments.

Doesn't matter who the hairy woman is...she's lucky to get a sweet hug like that!

And, it doesn't matter what you have to do after they get older...you MUST insist on a few Mommy pictures for the blog. 

(She's humoring me, but I'm okay with it.)

Favorite quote of the night -

"Hey Berkeley, Let's touch our butts for this one!"

The girls were having so much fun, I just let them walk ahead and enjoy each other for a moment. 

McKenna being "herself" and having nutty fun on the trail! 

Berk was singing on the trail.  I wish you could see her face, it's so "dreamy". 
She's got the most beautiful dreams in that head of hers! 

McKenna wanted to take a picture of the rock I didn't want her to bring home.  This turned out to be a cool picture, I thought!  Good job, Kenna!

We live in such a beautiful world. We are so blessed. I couldn't decide which was more beautiful.... the leaves? Or my sweet girls enjoying them?

We will miss you, Fall. 

It's always a joy when you come to visit.

We Specialize in Imperfection...

A person I know posted a blog like this once, and I'm copying her. I don't worry about 'stealing her idea', because:   1- It was an awesome idea.  2- She "de-friended" me on Facebook for some unknown reason...and so I don't worry about offending people like that !  And 3- If she doesn't like me stealing the idea...she'll have to actually "re-friend" me to complain about it - or comment on this blog post and admit she still reads it.

So, on that note...

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has finished reading a friend's or a stranger's blog and logged off, thinking:

"Wow, I wish I could be a cool Mom and do stuff like that."
or
"She always has it SO together.  I wish I did."
or
"Their marriage sounds sooooo perfect.  Why can't ours be soooo romantic too?"

I'm sure there are many, different, self-depriciating judgements that we place on ourselves...depending on the blog and depending on our current state of being. 

But the fact is...on a blog....it's easy to make life look perfect.  I'm more than sure that my friend's are aware of how imperfect I am....but for the one's who I still have fooled, I will confess:

1.  Berkeley was late to school seven times last quarter.  (Although, I'd like to point out that she was "on-time" - 31 times!)

2.  It's unusual if my bedroom is EVER clean.  It is the "catch-all" of the house...and I only get to it once in awhile.  It's embarassing, yes, but it's our reality until we have a basement or "extra room" to hide the "extras" in. 

3.  My car is only clean like 30% of the time.  And, if we are being totally honest, we did grow mold in one of the food trays once.  Im not proud of this fact, nor did I have any idea the food was there -- but it happened.  The food tray is in the trash now, but "ew." 

4.  After Mrs. J told us Wednesday night, that Berkeley needed to have her homework in on-time more often- We left for school Thursday morning without the *&^! homework.  I had to drive it back to the school later. 

5.  Sometimes, we have cereal for dinner.

6.  Sometimes, we have cookies for breakfast.

7.  I told my kids "no" when they wanted to go play out in the first snowfall this year.  I didn't have any warm coats for us yet (just jackets), no boots, and I didn't want us to get all "wet and cold".  What Mom denies their kids the first snowfall?  Isn't it supposed to be "wet and cold"?   

8.  Sometimes, often, I stay up late on Facebook - when I could be doing housework.  Facebook takes less energy, and the laundry will wait for me.  

9.  I don't always remember to clean my kids ears with q-tips after every tub and shower. 

10.  While there are many Mom's on the playground early, that are dressed, showered, and have make-up on - I'm not one of them.  I'm the Mom with the pj's on and mascara under her eyes. 

Truth be told, perfection is frightening to me.  I don't want to be perfect...because then people continually expect perfection.  How exhausting is that?  We specialize in imperfection in this house and, quite frankly, we're okay with that.  Would I like to be the "cute Mom" on the playground?  Yes.  Would I like to have a clean bedroom?  Yes.  Would I like to get all the laundry done?  Not really.  I hate the laundry.  But, I would like a tidy, neat home. 

Sometimes we get those things.  Sometimes we don't. 

What I feel is important, is that my kids know to keep trying.  Every day we can work to be a little better than the day before.  That's all.  And we can work hard to see the "little things" in life that bring us true joy.   

If all else fails, we can at least find the humor in our short comings.  There is a sign at my house, that reads:

"You can touch the dust, but please don't write in it."
 
I've seen others that read:
 

"Our house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it!"

 

"Please excuse the mess, the children are making happy memories."

 

"Martha doesn't live here."

 

And one of my personal favorites...

 

In the words of Michael McLean "Life can be hard.  But we, need not be, so hard on ourselves...We must be more gentle with ourselves."
 
I gotta go clean the car. 

Baby Steps No More

I've already groveled about posting McKenna's Birthday late. BUT....I guess there is always time for more groveling.

Along with McKenna turning five, came time for Kindergarten.  I was worried that she would HATE Kindergarten, because McKenna already complained that pre-school (a mere two and a half hours) was too long.  "I've had enough of my ABC's, Mom!", she would tell me.  What was she going to do when it was three-and-a-half hours of her ABC's?

Well, the big day arrived.  She had her outfit layed out the night before and her backpack - ready.   It was so sweet, because McKenna wouldn't eat at all that morning.  She just wanted to GET THERE.  She was nervous and excited all at the same time! 

Finally...it was TIME to go....and I couldn't help but get a little emotional when I saw my baby walking down the sidewalk to the car with, what seemed like, a GIANT backpack on her shoulders. 

She was so READY.  I knew it.  She knew it. 

Armed with cameras, the parents took turns capturing memories...

 She looked sooooo tiny up against the GIANT school wall.

On the Kindergarten playground, McKenna jumped right into playing.  I don't know why, but that surprised me.  Usually she's so anxious.  She did become a little overwhelmed as more kids showed up though, and kept looking to make sure I was close by.  I was.

 When it was finally time to line up...I could see that my "Little Bug" was the tiniest one in the class!  I wasn't worried though - her stature is tiny, but her spirit is large! 

   

I was happy to see Kenna's excitement and surprise when she recognized one of her friends, Isaac, there too.  A familiar face helps even the biggest-of-kids feel more comfortable, when you're starting something new.  (Isaac is the boy in the brown shirt, above, right next to McKenna.)  I guess the two 'newbies' found comfort in having one another there, because when Berkeley checked on Kenna during their recess that day, she said Isaac and McKenna were out on the playground....holding hands.  

I felt a little lonely after they followed their teacher inside and the doors shut.  McKenna's 'Elementary Journey' had officially begun.  It will move fast from this point forward. 

I paused for a moment and wondered what I would do first.  For the last eight years, all daytime activities had been centered around Berkeley and/or McKenna.  I was no longer the mother of toddlers. This was my 'Rite of Passage' too!  What would I do first?  The possibilities were limitless!  Three-and-a-half hours?  Really? 

So, I did what any smart, self-respecting, Mother would do....

I went home and took a nice, guilt-free, nap.