An atheist and a ho meet at the library...

No, I won't explain the title to you...it's a gift for someone special.

I just wanted to ramble today about my frustrations with being single again and dating. I've discovered a lot about myself in the two years that I've been single -- and it may take a miracle to find a man "qualified" that will marry me. My requirements don't seem weird to me....but then sometimes I wonder if I expect too much ? Let's post these frustrations and requirements publically for you "marrieds" to look at...and silently 'revel' in the fact that you are NOT in my similar position....

1. I've discovered that I am a bit high maintenence. Not in the DEMANDING way...at least....I don't think in that way. I just expect the people who want to date me (steadily) - to actually want to spend TIME with me -- other than texting, IM-ing, or on email. I can't just see "him" once a week.....anyone can be on their best behavior once a week! We need to be around one another when we are ornery, sick, annoying, silly, happy, sad, talking to ourselves....ALL of that.

2. Honestly....this has nothing to do with money....but I am so sick of meeting men who don't have a steady income/job...but want a steady woman/family! Especially now that I have kids...I need to know my man is going to be able to support us. I'll help/work too, I don't mind helping at all. In fact...I WANT to be a part of it all. But long bouts of unemployment, iffy jobs that may/may not "take off", or little part time jobs (--where you are unhappy but not looking to improve your life --) makes you a red flag for instability later on. That is scary to a woman! Men who are in school are in a different situation and I get that - but women can also see a man's goals to move forward - and she can put faith in the 'end goal' too. Again, this has nothing to do with having money. I would rather be poor with my best friend, than lonely with a loveless marriage.

3. Third, and this might still be under the "high maintenence category...", but I have learned that I need a patient man who can listen to me ramble. This may come as a total SHOCK to you all...but I talk a lot. It's something that just developed in me recently (like at birth) and it's part of who I am. But I've learned that I need "my man" to know that I just need to talk it out....then I'm better. He doesn't need to fix it for me, he just needs to actually listen and talk about it with me. He already knows I'm smart enough to know the right answers and he only makes suggestions when I ask for them...or when the moon isn't full. However, this man also knows how to "shut me up" in a way where I won't argue back too! ;-) Are there still men this patient out there?

4. Next...A guy needs to somehow, by an act of God, think that I am somewhat "cute" with my ponytail hair. That is my favorite way to put my hair when I am at home. It isn't the most attractive look for me (it may be my worst) but HE has to somehow find "sexy" mixed up in all that. Is this possible? I am not sure.

5. The men I date must be not living with their mother (without good reason). You can love your Momma. You can adore your Momma. But no Momma's Boys.

6. The man I date needs to be funny. He cannot just THINK he is funny....but actually BE funny. I need laughter in my life! I want to make him laugh outloud (and not because of the ponytail hair)...and I want him to be able to catch me off guard with his remarks! I don't want "fart humor" (but most men come with that built in) -- I want really, clever, banter! That's got to be such a gift in a good marriage.

Anyhow...that's not everything....but some "food-for-thought" when you are out there looking to set-me-up. You are looking, aren't you? Don't leave me out here alone people....it's SLIM PICKIN'S! Don't ANY of you have some single, stretch-mark-loving, freckle-adoring, PATIENT, men as brother's/uncles/or distant cousins? Okay....well, we don't have to tell these unsuspecting lads about the stretch marks until they really, really, really like me. How's that for a singles ad? Huh? Any takers? Did I mention I can cook? (That's a lie too.)

Umm....anyone? Anyone?

Okay...maybe I'll just go eat a bowl of cereal and go to bed. Thanks for listening. Love y'all.

Wake me around noon...

Last night before bed, McKenna brought in her plastic, toy alarm clock and (very seriously) told me she was "setting it" to wake up the next day. She pointed to her specific time she'd chosen -- and I agreed that it was a perfect time to wake up (12:00 - I wish!). She went off to her room and put it in her bed by her pillow. That was cute, but not nearly as cute as this morning when I awoke...

McKenna often crawls in bed with me in the middle of the night. I awoke this morning to find her, a stuffed duck, AND the alarm clock in bed with me. Apparently, she had woke up in the middle of the night and (in the dark & half asleep) was coherent enough to remember she had her "alarm" set. I snuck out of bed so I could snap some quick pictures.

When she woke up a half an hour later, she came in to me and reported that she had indeed -- woke up ON TIME! Good news, for sure! So precious. Half the time she can't even wake herself up to pee...but the fake alarm clock is not going to slip her mind. Makes sense to me!

That same morning, at breakfast, McKenna got up while watching cartoons and left the room...mid-Capt'n Crunch! A minute later I looked up and she was sitting there, in front of the t.v. -- with her sunglasses on. It was especially bright there in the livingroom...but rather than whine about it - she solved her own problem! So cute.

Can I get extra guacamole on that?

My friend's blog has sort of a "tag-you're-it!" challenge on it. She listed ten random things about herself...and challenged us to do the same. It was a fun idea, I thought, so here it goes:

Ten Random Things About Me

1. I think that avacado (especially guacamole) is an aphrodisiac.

2. This April 2009, I get to go to WICKED (the broadway musical). This is on my "bucket list", so needless to say, I'm excited!

3. I am a Democrat.

4. One of my biggest passions is taking pictures with my camera.

5. I get fussy when I've waited too long to eat.

6. I want to be fluent in sign language someday in the near future.

7. Holding newborn babies makes me absolutely, deliriously, fantastically happy and at peace. I could sit there for hours on end.

8. I want to write children's books.

9. I want to marry a guy like Jack Black in the movie, "The Holiday" or like "Forney" in the movie "Where the Heart Is".

10. I'm frightfully allergic to the antibiotic, Amoxicillin.

Okay, people, your turn! TAG! YOU'RE IT! Have fun with it. I hope you all had a good weekend and I look forward to hearing from you!

"Ewwww! Ewwww! Ewwwwwwwww!!"

We woke up yesterday morning to find a note on our bathroom mirror. It read:

"Berkeley,
The POO PARTY we had in your mouth last night was so awesome! You're teeth are PERFECT for storage of our #2 doo doo! We've even started drilling some holes to make space for our party in your mouth tonight! We're calling it:

"POO -- PART TWO!!"

You kept closing your mouth while we were trying to clean up, so it wasn't easy in the dark. But we think we got most of it.

Sincerely, Your Teeth Bugs".

Initially...Berk didn't say a word about the note. When I got up and looked at the mirror though...I made a huge deal about it. She just looked at me and said..."I already read it. You did it, I know." I started laughing and denied it. In fact, I told her that it wasn't there when I got up to use the restroom at three in the morning. THAT is when the doubt began (evil parent laugh in my mind...)!

She started getting quiet. Here and there she would say to me "You DIDN'T write it?". Then a minute later she said "Mom, how do you think they wrote the note?" I wasn't sure. A minute later...she said "Well, my mouth DOES feel a little different this morning..." We checked inside...I told her I couldn't see anything...but she might want to check her pillow case to be sure. So she went in her room. All I could hear after that was ""Ewwww! Ewwww! Ewwwwwwwww! Ew! Ew! Ew!" She came in with her pillow and you wouldn't believe it. A one-inch brown mark was right there where her mouth would have been laying! SUPER gross! So -- she ripped off the pillow case and we put it in the laundry basket. She went and brushed her teeth immediately, followed by mouth wash. Then I had to smell her breath to make sure it didn't smell like...well...poo.

Parents...this might be a lesson to your children!!!

Berk (standing beside me now) and I decided to post it

so you could teach your children from her experience --

Hopefully, YOUR teeth bugs will stay away!

ROFLMBO.

"Poo Party" in B's mouth tonight!

It has occurred to me that sending out "check out my new blog!" announcements should probably be made on a day when the title entry is NOT about my gynecological visits. My bad. BUT -- the good thing -- is that these are only YEARLY visits...so you don't have to worry about the "yee ha" topic coming up for another 364 days! (Actually... I make no promises.)

Berkeley is seven and very funny. I can't keep up with her one-liners. She has her mother's sarcasm, which can be both good and bad. It's freaky to me when she turns on me...and dishes me some of my own "attitude".


Tonight, for instance, I was begging her to go and brush her teeth before bed. Berkeley learned in pre-school that if you don't brush for 2 minutes, 2 times a day, the "teeth bugs" will go #2 on your teeth. I thought this was both a clever way to remind the kids...and seriously gross to think about at the same time. ANYWAY...I asked Berkeley to go brush and before I could say anything else to her, she said: "let the bugs have a big party. I'm too tired."

So, although I did not make her get up and brush, I am going to leave her a note about how the "poo party" went in her mouth last night. I just might be twisted enough to smear some "chocolate" on the note these bugs are writing too...right on to the mouth of a picture of her smiling! Bet she brushes tomorrow night!

**Ooooooh!** Maybe I'll smear some chocolate on her PILLOW CASE too!! (I need more adult time, eh?)

One more quick 'Berkeley story' before I go brush my own teeth:

I was whining to my children in the car the other day that "my tummy was hurting." Being silly...I said to Berkeley and McKenna: (whiney tone)"Make my tummy feel better girls -- work some magic in that back seat!". To which Berk quickly replied: "We're not GOD" and "And I'm pretty sure only HE could do that, Mom." What could I say? She is right ( a little smart a** too....but RIGHT just the same.). I stopped whining.

"I'll just wait here..."

So today was my yearly obgyn appointment. I loved the new lady who came in to go "where no woman has gone before" -- Seriously. I've always had male obgyns. But this time around, since I don't have medical insurance, I went to a women's clinic to pay less money.

Now, this is supposed to be a confidential clinic for teens too, if they need to come get birth control or pregnancy counseling. So when I finally went back for my appointment, I found it HILARIOUS that the beds were positioned so any patient, CNA, nurse practitioner, doctor, or small child could see you lying there if the door was opened & closed! Really? (Did I just see a lady from my ward go by?)

So with fascination...I counted...and the door was opened & closed for people coming or going about eight times while I was there. EIGHT TIMES! It got me thinking. If this is a confidential clinic...shouldn't the bed be repositioned so that you are NOT staring out of the door? Looking at the small size of the room...I realized that it was either your face or your "yee-ha" that was going to be saying "hello". (This is probably why they chose the face.)

BUT....I have to say...that after thinking about it more....I think a confidential clinic should probably opt for the "yee ha" exposure, rather than the patients face. For one...if people are looking in at your "yee ha", you are probably not going to know it. (But it might get breezey.) Second...and more importantly...., people are not going to identify you by your "yee ha" as nearly as easily, as your face. (Sidenote: *If you have an especially recognizable "yee-ha"...well, that's a whole other therapy session. Maybe four.)

The nurse practitioner and I discussed this theory of mine -- as she worked her mega-sized q-tip with as much ease (as is possible) with salad tongs up your....um, yah. She agreed that --if we are looking at it from the confidential standpoint -- "yee ha exposure" may be better in this case. We had a good laugh over it until the nurse and her "person observing" began scrambling over a missing instrument they needed. As they got up and started moving around...the helper said "I'll look down here." The nurse practitioner said "maybe it's up there."

As they searched for a minute...I calmly said "I'll just wait here."

I've earned some chocolate...wouldn't you say?

A whole lotta nothin'...

Today I spent the day doing many things... None of which was getting my house clean. I have company coming soon and this could be a problem. Which begs the question...Should I be updating my blog at this moment?? Or should I be cleaning? The logic tells me one thing, my tired spirit tells me another. Sometimes, I am afraid, the logic has precedence. Gotta go vacuum!

Cafe Rio, Baby!

Cafe Rio is so delicious. I am not a big salad fan, but when I go there I always get one. It's so many good things combined into one, I always feel good after I've eaten one. Even with the extra quacamole! That's the good fat, right?

Girls are at their Dad's for the weekend. I am headed to do a little work in a bit. But, oh, how QUIET it is in the house when they are away. Sometimes it is so wonderful to have peace and quiet. Other times...it leaves a breeding ground for ruminating.

All is well though.

The Naughty Ice Cream Sandwich

It's nearly two in the morning, but I just couldn't wait to initiate our blog into action! Staying up this late is not a good idea for me...I need my sleep! But to top off my mis-deeds...I broke out an ice cream sandwich to eat while I'm sitting here too! Naughty...but soooooo yummy!